spiritual warrioress

Just got word of another earthly transition… a dear, dear soul to me, the only grandpapa I’ve ever known, someone who alinged me to my true, highest self with grace, peace, and gentleness.

This is the fourth time in the past 10 months someone I have known in a special way has passed.  Three of these individuals were family, and all reflected back the good in myself.

My job now is to remember that awesomeness!  To celebrate it, to memorialize it, to take it as inspiration and run with it.

I have seen death do wild things to my friends, family, lovers.  What on this earth is all that about?  If we allow it to be what is really is, merely a transition, some wonderful and fantastic new growth will appear on the other side.  A spiritual guru would say that the right amount of grieving is none.

As I work to align myself to this, feeling what I need to feel, steering into the future of possibilities….. I am sure I will reflect upon transition more.

More like, “Freak Flag”, but this ridiculously pertinent ditty will have to suffice as an overture:

“White Flag”

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Giving can be a bit scary sometimes, but I’ve gotten the knack of it. Now I must be open to receive.

This is an act of love — and, apparently, love is all you [will ever] need. Doubting John Lennon is sacrilege, obvs.

It feels devastating to think I am not capable of receiving true love. I want to imagine infinite warmth, beauty and joy, yet am afraid of pain…. ok. that’s fear and anger in contradiction to my natural state of light & love.

Here’s the thing: these silly emotions, energy in motion, will block and thus impede any receiving — as long as they are still allowed to run around inside of me. And they were put upon me from somewhere else in the first place. Plus they feel damn crazy.

But this is good! My system works — I am given a warning light to steer in another direction! So. So what. What’s the alternative? I am now open to new ideas. At the least, I know the old ones were like cling-wrap to this rotting, unidentifiable pile so carefully thrown back into my produce drawer. Yeah, time to hit the farmer’s market and find some delicious, organic, heirloom new ones. Now we’re talking awesomeness!

This is a pivot point, see? Great spirit: open my heart, open my mind to the weird, the crazy, the alt. Because there are things I have never seen, haven’t even imagined yet.

I am now going to vibrate in this place of endless possibility, and meditate on love. And what I do know of the wonders of love. What love is, where it can be cultivated, how we can make it bloom and grow in abundance.

The answers lie like glittering diamonds…. within the alternative!

Faith fits karma. So use it.

Even if its simply a hand to a warm cheek…. yes, a warm cheek. Oh come now…. must you be so cheeky?

A kind eye melts most harsh edges. A good sweat and a sensual rub shape soft sand circles in gray matter playa.

An energy cycle complete, fear and rage put to death: We are all just bundles of electricity without battery packs. The highest level of being in me honors the highest level of being in you.

Do you have faith in karmic action? You should. Because it will all come back to you, eventually.

So share some love, spread some light. Honor your highest being and thereby you will honor all sentient beings.

Dawn.

Ten of swords.

the time is now!!!

The perfect example of energy alignment. Of love. Of art:

The arts high school’s film festival.

These kids aren’t being paid a dime to make full-on films. They’ve never attacked huge film projects before. They are exploring every step of the way. Their art is incredible!

This is pure passion. Pointing in the direction that feels right — and allowing the great spirit to work within to express, tell, synthethize that which is within.

An exhibition of unfettered passion and play.

Let’s see if we all can’t find ourselves back there, shall we?

Cheesepuffs be damned I’m going to go do some yoga now.

What I awoke to this morning: Perry’s passion play: banana-mudra waffles with Jim Beam, orangequat & limequat compote

What I wish to manifest lies in vibrational escrow.

This is the secret, the great LOA, the universal law of energy.

I have a background in biochemistry and I do not disagree. I think all the new age folks, Jesus, and Buddha were right on. How do you wish to BE in this life? Vibrate there. Point your boat in the direction of least resistance — bridging the ravine when the raging water in the gorge below wants to capsize you —and flow into this stream, this dream.

And when you continue to vibrate there … all your dreams MUST come true. But follow the flow of vibration. Electric water. Heading downstream towards your pot of gold — that right now merely lies waiting for you in vibrational escrow.

vibrational escrow visible…..  faerie dust is struck by sunbeams. Mt. San Jacinto, today.

“Nothing has ever been said about God that hasn’t already been said better by the wind in the pine trees.”
-Thomas Merton

…must be trusted. Must be listened to.

Tears and fears come when she’s been squashed to suffocation and starts fighting back. That’s what drove me to start writing here. What has been keeping me up at night. And what is going to take me on a volunteer & service trip to Africa.

Saturn return! What a glorious time. I have realized that the path I’ve been on is no longer for me. And its time to get back into the boat — the one name “me first!!!!” — and let it flow into the stream. The little blue bubbles I’ve envisioned in the black abyss of my subconscious — they have led me here. Led me to this discovery. Led me to this new adventure.

Thank you, intuition. How right you are. How right you will always be! I’m packing up my tray of little jewels that I have been pandering to the big wigs of Hollywood. And I will be donning hiking boots, bugspray and braided hair as I head to work with AIDS orphans and refugee women. To give back some little amount of service where it is so desperately needed.

It will take a moment for me to iron out the details, but I will keep you posted on this warrioress’ progress as it unfolds.

I find myself so serious most of the time.  Sentences end on a down tone.  Ho hum, I’m sick.  Boo hoo, I can’t find work.  Oh, I’m still hung up on my ex.

where is this weight coming from?  its weighing me down, bozo, so please get off my shoulders.  this girl wants to fly!

Um, hello! You can abolish this nonsense and feel better, project more light energy back into your world!  fear, anger, guilt, shame — they all DISAPPEAR away if you can play this game and name the blame!

Here’s the exercise: give the dark icky stuff a name — what’s making you so upset?  Your headache?  Your salary?  Your loneliness?  Name it aloud, Name it in your mind, write it down, draw a picture of it.  Then…. laugh at it!  Make yourself laugh!  Literally.  fake the laughing if you must… make a silly laughing noise, just fake it.  fake it till you make it….. melt away. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.  Do this whenever you catch yourself being a Debbie downer.  The more often you do it, the more often you will notice it…. and the more often you can make light of the fright.

It really works, I promise.

I went to a wonderful theater showcase last night. Certainly I have seen better theater in my life, better acting, better writing, better directing. But this was pretty damn good. God, I love theater people.

The visceral experience of sharing energy in an immediate moment to crate a story — one that is engaging, evoking, provoking — add a dash of funny, and bam! That’s gold.

I have been going to a show almost every night for the last few months. Sometimes its a struggle for me to stay present — I will be reminded of a past trauma from something on stage — and my mind wants to head back upstream, struggling against the universal current, wants to fight my situation and the deck im currently playing with. But here’s the deal: I’ve only got the cards I’m actually holding to play with. All the other ones I may have had before, may have my eyes on for the future — they aren’t currently in my deck. So I might as well make the best play of these cards I’m carrying now, yes?

And back to the present moment we go. What are they doing now? What does that say about the world? Where is the beauty, the funny, the pain, the horror?

Thank you universe for THIS meditation. A pathway for me to open my eyes, see the world as a child would. Experience the moment as it is — the experience as just that — a passage of energy that moves through me here and now. We are conduits, vessels, sparkling rhinestones. Don’t ever forget who you were at age 6 — a curious child.

I attended a concert last night in which all of the acts explored beauty in themes of darkness.  Definitely an aesthetic marked as alt, subculture, one I’ve historically scoffed off as a stomping ground for Emily-The-Stranges. 

Yet there is so much loveliness, truth, and fantastic irony to this art!  Those who choose to create from this place of inspiration are really onto something. 

Every coin has two sides, kids.

Don’t apologize “I’m so sorry…..”

or make excuses “I’m so sorry, it’s only because…..”

because you are enough.  this is enough. 

ENJOY THIS PROCESS, IT IS AWESOME

find compassion, forgiveness, and make peace with that huge ball of anger on your heart chakra that’s keeping you up all night, every night.  it is the only way you are ever going to move forward, the only way you are ever going to sleep.

keep your word…. your word is your wand

in the name of Abraham Hicks, Casey Combden & loquats!

and to all, a good night.

“When you’re smiling, the whole world is smiling with you”

-my beautiful & magical mother

I attended Faire in Irwindale today.  A place where fantasy, filth, and all character is welcomed and encouraged.  As a festival marked by merriment… created with the premise of recreation and re-creation.  If you’ve never gone to a Renaissance Faire… go.  Now.  As soon as you can.  Drop all pre-conception and simply experience it.  It is one of our most magnificent contemporary social creations.  A pressure cooker of cultural anthropology diamonds.

Upon first arrival I was met with remembrances, realization, shadows of a love I had conceived at last year’s festival.  Ah, the power of anniversary.  Ah, the power of sense memory!  Ah, the power of community and kindred spirits!!!!  And my phantom limb was reaching for…. a relationship, a soul long gone from my life. (“But not forgotten!” chimes in a little chorus from the chambers of my mind).  So, I was faced with a choice of what to do here.  Let the darkness of these shadows take over?  Or not?  Fortunately had the wonderful assistance of my dear girlfriend with me to strike a deal: “I won’t talk about mine if you won’t talk about yours.  Deal?  Deal.”

Yes… and then I retorted to the chorus, “Let me set an intention of invention for the day: I am going to have a great time, and I am going to allow myself to heal in this process by being here, facing all these spectres that remind me of my pain and failure!” 

It was an excellent exercise, and a good place to experiment with it.  For I was surrounded by people who only wanted to have a great time.  Who wanted to make themselves feel better through the creative experiment of character. And would thus provide me with unlimited opportunities to explore viewpoints of things from the lighter side.

And I dove head-first against my fear and heartache.  Around every corner I was met with another who asked of matters I only wanted to dismiss.  But with a smile, a nod, a telegram of love… I faced each connection and allowed myself the moment to make that choice: am I going to be happy here, or not?  Why not try creating a little moment of joy for yourself in this moment of pain?  Why not reach out to these loving bundles that walk and talk around us… and give out a few free hugs?

Lets ask ourselves these questions.  Lets put a little smile on our faces.  And when you are smiling… the rest of the world will have no choice but to reflect that vibration back to you.

Try it the very next time you come into contact with any sentient being — smile!  No matter how miserable you may be in that moment… JUST DO IT.  Move the corners of your mouth upwards, part those lips, and let your glorious grin stare the other person right in the face.  I *guarantee* you will make a little ripple of sparkle in the universal ether.  And you will surely create a moment, even if its just a teeny one, of happiness. You have the choice, so why on earth would you ever NOT smile?

Ta da!

That, m’lady, is pleasurable magic.

so, apparently today is possibly the last day of the world.  I am sitting alone, in a big house.  cold and listening to the clock tick.

right here, right now.  If these are the last moments of your life….. what are you going to do about it? 

are you going to set your spirit free, are you going to leave a legacy?

I went to a concert today, held in honor of a man who is not much longer for this world.  some wonderfully accomplished musicians played this man’s string compositions for two hours…  and the audience was moved, affected by these vibrations… this energy exchange.  we all thought, we all were provoked.  even those who felt they did not belong… those who came late and left early…  all were affected by his energy in some capacity.

this was a privileged crowd, a group of established folks who had health & wealth in endless heaps.  the select few.  the politically ruling class.  commiserating with each other.

and in this group I sat…. and I realized the simplicity of this man’s life.  I heard eighty years of existence come through those notes.  anxiety about another birthday…. questioning how to put objects in their proper place…. a mind struck by nature and its certain patterns, stuck with certain patterns . and working them through with a bit help from a little improvisation…  into the one thing he had lived eighty years for.  to create.  to create vibrations. 

to create this moment that was shared by a clear community of people this evening, over the years.  and is now history, yet still living with me.  isn’t that what it is all about?

so I begin this journey, a script into which I will write about my spiritual warrior and her journey for the next 100 days.  every day an entry, even if its only one word. 

my goal is to cultivate inner stability, raise the vibrations, and create a new existence for myself….. one that is no longer cold, empty, or lonely, and with a loudly ticking clock.

let us see where it takes me  :)

written mid-May, excerpts from an email to myself.  If you can identify with anything I spilled here, if you feel trapped…. follow your heart, trust the gut, and read my blog, m’kay?  Genesis:

“what am i struggling with?

I still want

want him back in my life

want.  [cue The Cure]

I miss all of it.  why? how? what can i do to be free of it?

I feel like an alien here.  how the hell did i get here — what am i doing?  who are these people?  their values seem so mis-aligned with mine.

i am apathetic towards all — i don;t have a passion to do much of anything anymore.  I don’t feel like I am the person in this body, here, in this world.

I feel trapped. I feel like I need to go somewhere across the world and do a service project.  I want to help people in immediate need.  I want to give.  I want to give of my gifts.  I am sick of being so self-centered, of living this existence.  its a drag.  its so self-centered.  its so…. lame.  the game of it, anyway!  and also…. its very competitive.  i don’t WANT to compete.  i just want to be, to give.”