spiritual warrioress

…vs. perfection.

High standards are fine…..

but I’m an anthropologist.

a spiritual warrioress.

I can read all the enthnographies in print, go to all the wats in Thailand…. but at the end of the day, I am just a person and need to be with the people.  We all need to just be with the people around us.

I aim to beam light to all, and therefore cannot afford to alienate or be alienated.  I am not perfect.  I do not need to see exceptional results to be satisfied with myself, others. Perfection exists in everything right now as it stands.  Really.  And if need be, it is well within your power to change your vantage point in order to more easily see some perfection.

Yes, work hard — but work does not = success.  Work is a part of life, a blessing — and should be treated as such.  You are providing a service to the universe through your work, whether volunteer or compensated. It is thus a holy action.

Right now I am going to relax, partake in some fruit tea from my new Thai friends who are in fact providing me with a tea service, and enjoy this moment for its complete and total excellency :)

Circular time versus linear

Yes, respect of time = respect of each other, but do not let the time rule your consciousness.  Its no fun being a slave.  Time is circular — in this paradigm we no longer have past or future.  It is all moving around the now.

Circular emotion

Recognize that everything returns, comes back home in time.  It always does.  It is a universal law.  The planets, the tides, the circle of life: We all come full circle.  You will swing around home….

Often when you least expect it…. once you are fully immersed in a new river, a new stream… that emotionally activating bundle of energy — be it a person, place, or nematode — will come to the banks and shout at your boat.  And when it does, smile broadly and acknowledge with a sparkly wave. 

This way we can understand and accept the reality

Beauty does not need to be justified.

A true rainbow is a complete circle….

Welcome home  <3

ੴ ਸਤਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਕਰਤਾ ਪੁਰਖੁ ਨਿਰਭਉ ਨਿਰਵੈਰੁ ਅਕਾਲ ਮੂਰਤਿ ਅਜੂਨੀ ਸੈਭੰ ਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥  ॥ ਜਪੁ ॥  ਆਦਿ ਸਚੁ ਜੁਗਾਦਿ ਸਚੁ ॥ ਹੈ ਭੀ ਸਚੁ ਨਾਨਕ ਹੋਸੀ ਭੀ ਸਚੁ ॥੧॥

ikk ōankār sat(i)-nām(u) kartā purakh(u) nirpà’u nirver(u) akāl mūrat(i) ajūnī sepàŋ gur-prasād(i) ॥   ॥ jap(u) ॥   ād(i) sach(u) jugād(i) sach(u) ॥ he pì sach(u) ॥ nānak hōsī pì sach(u) ॥1॥

One God, the true name, the creator, without fear, without hatred, timeless, self-existent, known by the Guru’s grace.  True at the beginning, true through the ages, is yet true, O Nanak, will be true in the future.

-Mul Mantar, Hindu prayer

How similar our philosophies, religions can be….

I am in Thailand.  A Buddhist nation.  A Buddhist realm.  A Buddhist community.

In the mental emptiness that Thai Buddhist monks prescribe…. comes a clean slate.  A blissed out beach.  A sparkling pool, vast ocean, the spaces between the shimmering molecules of a diamond.

I sing the Mul mantar and find peace, peace & bliss — in pureness, emptiness.  I sang it to a homeless man two days ago and brought the biggest beam of light to his soul. I played it on the deck this morning and raised the vibration at the bungalow.

When the minibus breaks down…. everyone quietly files out.  Babies do not cry, children do not whine, the elderly are ushered out first and gracefully.  Then we peacefully sit on the side of the dirt road, watching the chicken, dirt bikes, and dirt-poor fruit vendors roll by.  There is peace in this group — this community.  There is no sense in violence, disruption, breaking the gentle current of zen that permeates.

When my moped rode right off the road into the ditch…. two people immediately ran to help me rescue the spinning, sputtering mess of metal.  Such an outpouring of awesomeness I have never seen anywhere else.

Let us learn from these people.  They allow ladyboys, magic mushrooms, and virus-infected animal to roam freely.  None is frowned upon, none is shunned or quarantined. Because it is all part of life, all part of the ebb and flow of the ocean tides.

May peace be also with you.

It takes discipline… a commitment to oneself… to operate at the cleanest, highest, most radiant state of being. 

Yes, all is moving onward and upward in the universe, I believe everything operates for the greatest good, highest purpose of all: if we are turned on, tapped in, tuned at the frequency of this great universal energy.

However, not all is simply light and air.  It takes grounding of this instrument we are given — body, mind, & spirit — via discipline and commitment to oneself and the greater universal light to know the difference.

Once you know how to read people, situations, moments — all it takes is a split second — and your sharp instrument will know whether to tune in to the frequencies, or not.

I am committed to making this world I experience the best possible spaceship for all.  I am committed to tuning in to the highest vibrations.

You’ve only got one heart, so use it <3

Love, light, & many blessings from the little pink & sparkly Bangkok-bound bird.

Over the tiles
Through the vines
Upon the sheets

Hear the song on that phonograph that cranks in the mind… because nobody else can play it like you can. Then melt swinging hips and wings expanding from your core — her chakras are crying to be released.

We need more dance parties. Church should include yoga. If we respect ourselves and desire to cultivate to our highest state of being:

WE MUST DANCE

The most immediate expression of joy and abundance… sparkling eyes delight as my heart bursts into movement with the swirls of electricity created by this friction

Ten of Cups… Under the rainbow we stand, hands held, prosperity eternal and all outcomes ideal. Oh, pretty boy and handsome girl, you are white plumes of wonder and beauty. Billowing, tendrils dancing into the ether. God does not just tell us everything will be okay — he tells us that this is all for the greater good. I truly believe this. My stance of fearlessness has bourne my conviction. We have no time to simply say, “I’m sorry” — but within two seconds or less we must decide that the universe is forever moving onwards and upward. Excelsior! Light the fire! And spin into fireworks of wonder and celebration. This life, this rainbow as we know it is fast fleeting. Thoughts have been retrained. Harnessed. And now we can catch all her wonder and joy under this ceiling of light within our buoyant breasts. So make a wish on that shooting star… Darkness has no place when we move this quickly.

Letting drops of disappointment, unexpected twists of fate roll off my feathers….

No place to judge, self-afflict. All who have sorely tested me, all that continues to pull me into a wad of unformed taffy…. well, I honor you!

Your imparting of energy onto me must me transformed, transmuted with love and poetry. Into beauty and grace that knows no bounds.

I choose to be a cosmic love generator. That means I get up again, over and over, when the universe gives me a fat slap in the face.
I choose to be a magician.
I choose to jump on the train. May not be where I initially wanted to be headed, but hey, we can change itinerary and still get phenomenal scenery, right?

Get onboard. I trust you, universe. Project me forward. The best is yet to come, no matter how gray today.

Namaste

Knowing, aligning my true self — I am completely in control of the flow of attraction.  Trusting that what I seek will manifest; what I desire will come, even if in unexpected routes.

This is part of white magic.  Once activated as a warrioress of spirit and a seeker of grace and peace the dark falls away and rainbows flood in.

Today I have found myself watching a screen in my mind full of beautiful colors.  And its better than any psychedelic trip, kids.  Sobriety, clarity, and infinite bliss are within reach.

I know I am here on this earth to spread this divine light! The ideas are congealing, this point of attraction allowing the destination’s address to be written out.

See you at the end of the rainbow, bathing in the pot of golden light <3

I am going through some serious graymatter reprogramming via meditation — 62 minutes at a time — right now. Trance-induced love and light.

The universe is giving me a gentle spank into awesomeness.

It will take me a minute to decompress but I will be back to report on the journey into al interior.

Namaste

The key to success in any relationship is grace.

I am a graceful goddess.

Wahe guru!

AH.  Yes, fear.  What is hate, or sadness, or even anger, but fear?  These emotions simply arise when a rooted fear is allowed to ruminate, fester, and grow like a cancer in our bodies and hearts.

I always find the most resistance, the most passive aggressiveness from those who are sitting in their ruts — because from that trench they are operating out of fear.  They are stuck.  Whether they know it or not, they no longer feel perfectly safe on their nests.  Sure, they might be perfectly happy where they are.  But they don’t particularly have a desire to expand, change, or see that happen in anyone else.  Their ego kicks in, and it shouts out projecting at the child who has stepped out of line.  Maintain the blood, maintain the blood.  Defend the castle!

A little change can be incredible.  Because it outcasts the fear that was blocking, sticking inside.  Consider this: You know that feeling when you see the stars for the first time on a night out of the city?  The lust when you covet a pair of shoes you just encountered?  That guffaw you emit when you hear an incredibly funny line on a sitcom?  Although simple and arguably mundane, these only come because you were willing to step out of the mold in your head for a second of what you know into a new mental moment. 

Look, I am not proposing stepping out of line is a good thing.  The line has its purpose, its structure, and order to keep peace when resources are limited.  However, I really do love those who are free to be themselves: the freaks. And I really love pushing edges.  Being provocative.  I think that is one of the most magical aspects of art, being an artist.  And it is something anyone can appreciate.

Free people do not fear.  They have no capacity for it.  It has exited our bodies, our souls.  We are replaced by complete and total receptiveness, capacity to give and receive love.

The universe will eventually show you the way.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Be the change.

{Can my new spiritual name be Saraswati?}

I’ve failed.  Oh yes.  A hundred times today.  A million in my lifetime.  I’ve failed at love, work, health, spirituality…..

What if I was to REJOICE in my failure?

No matter what takes place, no matter what I do “wrong” or screw up, I am equal to it.  It is part of my experience.  Existence.  So, here’s a fundamental cosmic law:

whatever my dilemma, I have the solution. 

I’ve got it!

Every day I wake, sensorally assimilate, go through my day, talking to myself about my experience.  I’m the only person who can structure it.

(PISCEAN) I see, therefore I know.

(AQUARIAN) I know — therefore I am equal to everything that occurs in my existence!

I am entering this stream right now in THE PRESENT. I have no choice but to trust, embracing who I am right now and trust what that brings!  So, let’s start with this: I am a complete and total failure.  yep, I am!  Now, that changes things.  I no longer have one foot nailed to the floor, spinning my walk towards what I want into circles whilst telling the world “I’m busy” being an actress or whatever.

***I am who I am right now and that is that***

The only difference between a professional singer and an amateur singer is this:

when an amatuer hits a bad note, they falter.

when a professional hits a bad note, they smile :)

SO I’m gonna be the artist I am, hone my skills, and rejoice when everything starts to “go wrong” again.  Besides, some of the best creations occur by mistake.  I’m moving forward, failing when I fall in at least 50% of every step.

Yes, I am. 

Sat nam <3

Tattva: Air

Chakra: heart

Emotion: love

We celebrate this year, and this summertime pinnacle of the golden air in the sun with the sacred tattva air. 

I ran 12+ miles for peace today (in honor of International Peace Prayer Day) on sacred Hopi land through the hot desert sun carrying the peace flame.  My lungs sucking air, surrendering to the air, pumping air through my system.  Arms & legs cutting through the air as we carry this light forward.

I am a double-fire + earth makeup in traditional astrology.  Thus air makes for a nice pyre and a beautiful bundle of heat and color in my existence. And, ironically, there was a huge fire on the mountain visible for most of my run:

Watch me as a ignite into white light….. and carry this peace henceforth into this new chapter!

This truly is the dawn of the new age!! It is a time of transition.  Of celebrating, of drawing upon our creativity….

When I can have a conversation with a lovely, sparkling woman about doing Kundalini yoga while performing aerial on a Lyre to educate children in East Africa….

Now — the final chapter of transition from the Piscean to Aquarian age — 2008-2012 is the time of awakening: for energizing, developing, elevating the best qualities of mind, body, spirit.  And 2008 was the beginning of our current experience — and boy, did I feel the shift in December 2007.  It was life-changing for me, as it marked my decision to end my life in New York and uproot to California.

We must prepare the new season of creativity in 2012. Its in every spiritual calendar, modality, sensitive people have been feeling it. From 2012 to 2038 we will be sorting out a new way of living together, a new approach to sustaining our mother earth and her resources, connecting our macro and micro technologies, finding the sensitivity to connect with each other globally — all in the blink of a cosmic eye.

Open yourself to the possibility of this new age — in which creativity will explode as we learn to live together in new ways on this earth. Our ideologies, cultural expertise, wisdom, passion will combine in ecstatic firework displays of giving, loving, healing.

So that all hearts may be opened, open.

Next time the sky is clear at night stand and look at the stars for as long as you possibly can. Meditate on the POSSIBILITIES in this new age.

Hope exists. Yes, we can.

<3 from Guru Ram Das Puri

~Warrioress

“This too, shall pass”

-medieval Persian Sufi poets

Butt.  Numb.  Roadtrips, round-the-world flights: loooooong hours sitting.  Long hours waiting for the destination to be under foot.  Ego trips in through the doggy door: ARE WE THERE YET?

As I sit in the backseat, watching the full moon rise over the New Mexico desert, I want to just GET THERE.  This fake fire ignites in me all too often: this fire to have measurable results, successes in my acting career.  This fire to jump past the energy in motion through me, shortcut, bypass.  This fire to go straight for the big kahuna first time finding myself intimate with a new lover. 

PATIENCE, my friend, is a virtue.  Think about how magnificent this suspended moment is!  In between.  Inside a gift.  And breathe, find a muscle (even if its just mental) to relax into and stretch — just juicing the wait, pulp and all. The flames start to die down, their golden orange embers — a shade of golden poppy — dignified, devoted, captivating.  Ahhhhhhh. Here, I can work a little on my blogs.  Here, I can allow my head to drift.  What a gift this waiting game is!

We are in such a hurry to get to our destination, want the measurable results now, right away.  Yes, we gotta just enjoy the process.  This stream, this dream.  We all float on alright.

We will get there,  Soon enough,  All in perfect time.

Gotta have it to stay alive. Literally. Go talk to a 101-year-old (I listened to a lovely one this evening) and you’ll hear the humor. Changes outlook. Changes the heaviness. Light & love <3

“The longer the string, the higher the kite”
-best fortune cookie wisdom Warrioress ever received

I was mildly freaked today.  By the medical prospects, the medical realities of traveling where I will be headed for the new few months.  There are some serious diseases out there.  I had to get half a dozen hard-core shots in the arm.  Sh!t gets real when you leave the first world.

Often I have pondered the quandary of existence, status.  How people always do the best they can to regulate themselves back to spiritual factory settings.  You are born into a crummy emotional situation you seek peace.  Into poverty you seek wealth.  Whatever one is lacking, they will seek [fill into the madlib].  But the opposite also holds true.  I always observed rich white American ‘aristocracy’ driving themselves crazy being on the defensive, being lonely and alienated.  We are all the same, us monkeys!  Factory settings.  Back as close as possible to reset mode, back to bobbing in a perfect float at the surface, between having cookies and not having cookies. Give me the vaccines so I can remain as close to NIB condition as possible.

I always felt, always knew I had been given everything — been blessed with everything — been at the ‘top of the heap’ in this particular world: money, technology, brain power, beauty, artistic skill and creativity.  YES — what a horrible place to reside in!  Scared — with nowhere else to go but down from the ivory tower, down into the so-called muck, and down amongst the “people” who construct the lowest common denominator. 

Don’t wan’t to reside on the defensive.  I played right wing, dammit.  Time to play offense!  And into the fire she goes.

Status quo?  Nowhere to go… but down?  Bring me back to reality then, please.  I crave it. 

Was craving it.  A craving to fall back to factory settings so intense that it pulled me into malady, into a medical condition of my own deliberation.

See, the reset button was nowhere to be found.  Plan B: Trojan horse constructed, fight out the war.  Not to justify here my position of waiting to fly; however, let me digress for a second so I can be done with it: arguably poor parenting for a spirited child, even worse schooling (why did not one creative person ever speak up on my behalf??!) — we were never taught to cry or speak out in my household.  The arts were not encouraged in my community.  And geekiness, well, heaven forbid.  Quite the opposite: it was impressed upon me branded, seared into my consciousness that almost all my reactions to everything were bizarre and shameful.  And for a sensitive being, I ended up folding my experiences in upon myself.  In a 17-year household hurricane of pain, anger, dysfunction, projecting, hallucinating — I learned to feel what I was supposed to feel by crawling into a wormhole of emotions, mind, spirit.  I was able to act out what I needed to feel and then make myself feel better through my own little role-playing game with myself.  And that path took me to a dark place — where pain, loathing, trauma led to even more — as I was caught in the throes of an acute eating disorder.

Sure, I had years of ‘sobriety’ where the going was good.  But then the demon would rear his head again.  I was still unaligned with MYSELF. 

Now, almost 20 years later, I can confidently say I’ve kicked that fuc&er in the nuts so hard he will never, ever, return to my life.  Reset button —> FINALLY FOUND!  Hit it!  There is no room for him here anymore.  He, who pretended to provide instant gratification with sweet seduction.  Now illuminated by the sweet light of my soul for what he is: just a paper-thin, gnarly & dead snakeskin that no longer fits. I have no need for him anymore.  And, for the first time since childhood — no more desire for his promise of comfort, love, peace during the storm of my emotional reactions to, well, everything.  I have found the threshold of these gifts I was craving simply within myself.

Moulting: my spirit, she emerges new.

And will float, dip, dive and flutter on that oceanic updraft so high!

We know the string has been unraveling through several dozen set changes.  The shooting schedule has been awfully long, but the finished film will be a masterpiece.

Alright? Alright. She’s ready for a cookie now <3

I ran to the desert today, out into the mountains, I ran, and I ran.

I suppose I was looking for me.

As the actual sun set and the moon rose to the east and I was jogging back down the mountain…..

…..like clockwork…. the most curious and magical occurence sprang up around me.  It started with a lone bark, then another, then several more, then a chorus of yips, followed by a full symphony of howls.

Hundreds of them, howling at the moon.

On the way up the mountain my soul was howling at the universe. I hardly noticed any of the magnificent scenery, any of the sky, the wildflowers, the beautiful rock formations…. tears were pouring down my cheeks and my throat was one big, swollen lump of fear.

He’s dead. She’s dead. He’s dead, and oh, right! He’s also dead.

Death has left a few holes in my life these past months.  But where that hole is formed, a howling chorus of coyotes has responded: ushers in a misty light.  My shaman always refers to the ego as the wily coyote — and wow, what a reminder of her but that carpet of wild dogs scampering hidden all around me at dusk.  She’s there, in the brush, ready to drag me back into what I KNEW. But how about the unknown? Better yet. How about the NOW.

The negative influences I have faced on the path are being brought into submission.  I was not afraid of the critters all around me.  They are weak and vulnerable each one of them, and instinctually I’m not sure they would know what to do with me if I was kind and loving towards them.  Plus, I’m getting a rabies vaccination tomorrow.

Resolution is feeding a revolution, a great inner revolution, and it is a
revelation.

—Bobby Klein, I-Ching interpreter

I have been working hard here.  And I have gained the right to wear the shield of
the brave warrioress, the victorious one.

Howl at the moon!!!!

<3

Spiritual Warrioress

“Hippies don’t hold on to anything” — my token response to those laymen who periodically choose to come dance on my side.

… at the end of the machuco waterfall, Iguazu AR February 2011

Dynamic existence
everything transforms in life
life
water.

And in the water I spread
My spirit
releases, flies free. That mist congeals
guides me
to flow
be.

Shadows whisper, incessantly resist
the flow.
Resistance
is but an orange cone, my sage
I stop looking and he quietly points me
to be
water.

I recognize, accept,
flow into
the river.
Infinitely powerful
she transforms, washes, breaks
down, smoothes.  Polishes my stone
into
a gem.

My soul desperately wants to outpour.  Into something.  It is dying to be put to work, to be channeled, to be plugged in and running.  To no longer hold onto anything.

I am tethered to nothing right now, suspended in a state of total freedom at my own choosing. 

So that I could step back, let the world rage around me, let it land on me — hit me, slap me, be coughed back up from my ever-expanding lungs — uncovering my true self, still standing after the hurricane.

And now…. Where will I outpour? Into what vessel? Into what form?

The answers will float on this stream to me.  They must, as long as I am seeking to let her warrioress expand and soar into fullest flight.

~~~~ * ~~~~ * ~~~~ * ~~~~ * ~~~~ * ~~~~ * ~~~~

At the memorial service for an extremely talented musician today, his daughter exclaimed that we were in a church, and that the greatest possible expression of the outpouring of spirit is in our music — playing and singing along.

The memorial reminded me of when I was 9 years old, when my mind was full of character performance, music, magic, and light — right before I was fully shut-down in emotional development.  I was singing, dancing, uninhibited, fully living it, loving it, being it.  Right at the peak of my true, shining spirit sparkling — before the system, the culture, the demons of world in which I was forced to be a part of decided to hiss, claw, and rage at me — shutting me down, blocking my doors and windows from getting in anymore light, and pillaging my soul from the inside out.

Fie on them.  It still hurts.  And this man whose life we celebrated today saw that in me, at 9 years old.  He was one of the few who gave me permission, the green light, the support.  And he never let me forget it.  He was a subtle, unfailing cheerleader.

I need cheerleaders in my world.  We all do.  Because although I’ve been working really darn hard and have exorcised my demons, the shadows of my traumas still lurk outside the cat door, the back door, the garage window.  And when it gets stormy and those judgemental gatekeepers come out to prod me — my ego comes back in screaming black daggers of shame, loathing, fear, and hopelessness.  But my cheerleaders who have passed on are still with me.  With us.  I honor them, as they honored me.

We owe this to each other.  We are each other’s cheerleaders.  Even to those whom you no longer associate in your immediate realm: you had an effect upon them, and still do.  We have a responsibility to ourselves and to everyone else in our web.  To keep the dream alive.  So if you know you have hurt them, send a little boat of love into the universe their direction.  They could use it right about now.  I’m generating my own power over here, but still — I would absolutely love some love boats.  Bring em on.

I am building my spirit fully.  Employing the goodwill of all the wonderful souls I have come to know, present and transitioned.  Erecting a miraculous, spiraling totem of love and light that will outshine any shadows, tower far above any scampering vermin. 

And she is a beacon outpouring into the universe.  A massive, mint-white spotlight emerging from a vortex of magnificence.

I envision what she will outpour:
I enjoy what she will create
I delight in whom she will love
I expand & breathe over the incredible place where she will fly


The highest being in me honors the highest being in you.

<3 Spiritual Warrioress

….IS the attitude.

I am so very blessed.  But so are you, and you and you, and you…..

Perhaps I am repeating myself here.  But I think its such an important place to start.

What am I so grateful for right now? Today?

This exercise, being consciously aware and thankful for what is such a blessing, is one of the ultimate ways of being present now with who you really are. All your power, all universal power, all universal energy lies in the now.  In the knowing of now!  I wouldn’t care if I — but also do not desire to — leave this reality because I am so comfortable with it now and knowing it is all so wonderfully rich right now.  This includes drug trips, death, worry that takes me into the past or future.

There is jankiness everywhere, yes. But if you are reading this, you are seeking my energy now, also seeking love & clarity — since that is the path I am on.  And you can impart this energy, too.  WE HAVE THE ABILITY TO HEAL EACH OTHER.  It starts with you.

Now.

We are in the time of the great magnifying glass, the wide awakening, the spiritual coming.  This is the dawn.  We are blessed, and we will shine our light forth.

<3